Living authentically can sometimes be painful. When we are deeply connected within ourselves, and we listen to our spiritual guidance, truth, like it or not, reveals itself.

However, here is where we evolve, here is where we move forward. Here is where we experience true wellness.

I spent quite some time recently trying to understand an ex who, over the past nearly six years, has abruptly come into, and gone out of my life. “X” claimed to “love me deeply,” and labeled me his “twin flame and soulmate.” I have recently pondered over all of his words, reflected on all of his actions, read, and re-read emails, both inflammatory and disturbing, and heartfelt, or what seemed so at that time, and in “truth,” found no evidence of love.

I had written a journal of nearly six years, daily, of our “loving,” interactions, as well as our challenges, which I had intended to publish as an inspirational piece that supported our “loving,” spiritual journey. When I read back through those years, now with complete clarity, and now in my “wise mind,” versus my emotional mind, as “X” would say, “the truth is always revealed,” and most certainly has been revealed. In fact, “truth” is what he calls himself on social media. Sadly, the nearly six years of “love” has revealed “truth,” and I am reminded by the Universe that “X” was a lesson who taught me to require more for, and of myself, set firm boundaries, to ALWAYS go with my gut instinct, and to question everything, until I get the “truth.”

Deceit was so prevalent in our relationship, yet “X” was so skilled at deviating and projecting, that he made it believable. I loved “X” deeply and devoted myself to him, yet was always left feeling second best, insignificant, and betrayed.

One Valentine’s Day, just a couple of days after our 2nd reconciliation, we sat in a restaurant, bodies glued to each other, me feeling so joyous and so deeply in love, “X” received a “Happy Valentines Day” text from another woman. He said it was a “friend.” I looked the other way. Christmas of that year, he received a text from a woman while my children were with us. He claimed “not to know her name.” “I don’t remember her name.” She “used to be a friend.” I looked the other way, however, these “events” began piling up, often, and he would accuse me of things he himself later admitted he was imagining and creating a narrative in his mind, which I later recognized as projecting. In fact, “X”, in defense of his actions, told me that “he was triggered” (even after two years apart) because he “thought I’d met someone new,” and “made up this story in my mind and ran with it.”

Most recently, “X” came back into my life when my mom passed away in March, 2020, and sent a heartwarming and loving declaration which said to reach out and he will be there to help me through.  He began his email, “My dear love…” Two days later, he retracted that offer. “I had good intentions when I said I will be there for you.” He claimed to have his own issues, and my needing “connectivity almost daily” wasn’t something he could give to me, after all.

I never asked in the first place…

“X” disappeared once again shortly afterwards without warning…Patterns reveal truth.

Red flag after red flag from the start of our relationship in 2014. At that time, I was only 18 months clean from prescription drug addiction, and “X” was initially, a loving support. I began having “gut intuition” almost immediately, with visceral responses, yet chose to sit with my emotions. I loved “X” deeply. “X” went as far as to take to social media dragging my good name, and hard work in recovery in his written posts with inflammatory hashtags such as #fakerecovery #datinganaddict, he would tell me to “update my thinking,” he would state that I wasn’t using “emotional intelligence,” and accused me of being “sexually promiscuous” in “replacing my pill addiction with sex.” He wrote a blog talking about my “damaged brain” from years of addiction. When I confronted him, he claimed he was “angry” when he wrote these blogs. He said, “I love you, you know that.” Yet, he left these hurtful and inflammatory posts up on Instagram until I begged him to take them down. Even then, I had to “send him what I want taken down,” and finally, he did. Most of them.

Love? No, emotional abuse.

I share this with you, my followers and readers, because I actually “KNEW” all throughout that “X” was cheating, deceitful, and not the man he claimed to be. I now know that the main reason that I allowed this behavior, and accepted this as love, is due to the fact that my background as a child was filled with this type of emotional abuse by the people who were supposed to love me the most. It was my “normal.” It was all that I knew, and as a child, and even as an adult, up until about a year ago, where I was nearly seven years into my recovery and spiritual journey, did I realize that I was bringing my past experiences into my present and accepting it as “love.”

My physical health began to decline severely in this relationship, and I began to experience severe anxiety. Something I had worked so hard on in my recovery to manage with natural and organic solutions. I was walking on eggshells, and so afraid to use my voice to speak my own truth, to be authentic, to express my feelings, for fear that “X” would withhold “love.”

As I continue to learn, to grow, to evolve, and to deepen my spiritual journey with God at the center of my life, as well as using my “Wise Mind,” not my “Emotional/Needy Mind,” the “truth has been revealed.”

Amen. I am free.

I now know what love is, what it should feel like, look like, sound like. Every day I refer to the following passage as a reminder of what love, for me, “truly” is…

“1 Corinthians 13 1

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.”

My message here is one of self awareness, of self respect, self love, and of boundaries, and most importantly validation of your body’s response to anyone else’s words or behaviors that causes a visceral reaction. Listen to your body.

In addition, one of “X”s own family members warned me, and two acquaintances stepped forward with proof of deceit. Again, I looked the other way. Remember, this is what I learned as a child. “We live what we learn.”

My family, and my friends asked me to look at the “truth.” In fact, my dearest friend of 41 years said he “knew from the beginning that “X” was not an honest man.” He said he “knew from the first meeting he wasn’t right for you.” So much information. My past had parked itself right in front of me, and I was willing to accept it as love.

Until now…

I have the love of so many, friends, family, colleagues, clients, and I can tell you that I live my entire life from a place of love, truth, compassion, and a passion for serving others. Love IS who I am. And today, after much quiet time, reflection, and truth fact checks, my heart, and soul, are filled with love. I am at peace.

When you feel something, say something. Have enough self love in the gorgeous soul that you are to eliminate anything, and anyone that hinders your wellness, and prevents you from experiencing “LOVE,” as in the “Love is patient” passage. That is my guideline. Know that in love, God is at the center, and there is a kind, peaceful and spiritual solution to every challenge between a couple where there is an open heart and open mind…There is no evil, no deceit, no excuses.

The publishing of my book, WRITE PRAY RECOVER:A JOURNEY TO WELLNESS THROUGH SPIRITUAL SOLUTIONS AND SELF CARE, had to be postponed to give me an opportunity to re-edit my book where “X” was a part of my story, and where I had written a deeply loving and heartfelt tribute.

I realize now that the only part he played in my life was the Universe sending him to me as a way of teaching me what I will not accept in love, to not let my childhood abuse to guide me in my decisions, to set firm boundaries, and to love myself first before offering myself completely to another, and that one man’s perception is another man’s reality.

Please take what resonates with you, and leave the rest.

To thine own self be true.

Love and blessings,